I wrote this 3 years ago.

March 17, 2008 at 3:52 pm (personal)

Feeling empty inside , staring at the walls, smoking cigarettes, feeling old.  Basically I have the feeling that I don’t know what the next step in my life should be. A feeling like I don’t know what I want.  I’ve always hated the normal, sober, boring, fucking consumer based life.  I never  wanted  the life offered to me by teachers and parents. One that  proposed  “be all you can be” and  bullshit like that.  I’ve been  rebelling  against that proposition  forever.  But my rebellion turned into something I never planned on.  I was rebelling against myself as well.  Drink came to equal rebellion.  I was angry at the world for not being the way I had wanted it to be. I needed to escape,  escape from the private hell I’ve created within my own  mind. I needed to destroy something,.. and since I couldn’t  tear apart the institutions and the laws that defined the world which I hated,  at least I could destroy one thing… myself!